10 Rules for a Less Than Absurd Marriage

In view of the fact that people getting married these days have to contend with a range of things their parents never even thought of (such as pre-nuptial agreements), I thought it was appropriate to resurrect Rev I. Rhonnigh’s formerly well-known words of wisdom to newly-weds: “10 Rules For a Less Than Absurd Marriage.” I have appended my own comments in parentheses.

Rev Rhonnigh's Rules are as follows:

Always act towards each other in public as though you were distant cousins. [And I don't think he means kissing cousins.]
Expect to be of one mind in everything: read the same books, listen to the same music, play the same games, have the same hobbies. [Done with determination, this will produce a unity of soul unparalleled in the Universe.]
Assume your spouse will fulfil all your needs for friendship. [What else did you marry each other for? ]
Wives, always do everything for your husbands. Husbands, love your wives for it. [Isn't this Scriptural?]
Husbands, there are certain household tasks that are your wife's domain. Leave them to her. Women are more than capable of changing all nappies, cooking all food and staying up all night with sick children. Wives, even though your husband is a wuss at woodwork, incompetent at car maintenance and inept at electrical wiring, leave such jobs to him. God knew what He was doing when He allotted different tasks to men and women.
Keep all personal dreams, aspirations and enthusiasms to yourself; your spouse has enough to think about just being married to you
Never cavort, even in private. [Noel Paul Stookey, of Peter, Paul and Mary fame, tells how he and his wife cavort. This often begins when she throws a glass of cold water over him while he is taking a shower. He then proceeds to chase her through the house - naked. Apart from the possibility of catching a chill, it is most wise of Rev Rhonnigh not to encourage such antics.]
Always treat your children's personal remarks with the utmost seriousness, whatever you may think about them. [The remarks, I presume he means, not the children.]
Never argue in public, in front of children, or your in-laws. [And I might add, in front of the telly, especially if sport is on.] Always be calm about matters on which you disagree. [This will ensure that in time you bury everything of the slightest importance.]
Finally…lovemaking is a serious matter. If the children were ever to hear laughter in the bedroom they might think sex was some sort of joke.
[I realise in these days of feminist theology, liberation theology, freewill theism and the backslider's prerogative that some of these rules may strike readers as a little old-fashioned. But Rev Rhonnigh was happily married for forty years. Admittedly, 35 of those years were spent as a missionary in darkest Africa, where he finally succumbed to the tsetse fly. His wife, meanwhile, stayed home knitting countless woolly vests for the native children, to keep them from catching cold.]