Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ways To Improve Your Social Prospects Before You Try Meeting Anyone





Draw on your current contacts

This won't apply to people who have just moved to a new area and don't know anyone, but often you'll already have the seeds of a social life around you. You don't necessarily have to go out and meet ten strangers to have one. It's a lot easier to start turn existing contacts into full-fledged friends than it is to meet new ones.
There are probably a handful of people you already know who could end up becoming part of a new social circle. I'm talking about people like:
Acquaintances you're friendly with when you run into each other, but who you never see otherwise.
People at work or in your classes who you get along with.
Friends of people you know who you've gotten along with.
Someone who has shown an interest in being your friend but you never really took up the offer.
People you very occasionally hang out with, who you could see more.
Friends you've gradually lost contact with who you could call up again.
Siblings and relatives close to your age.
You just have to take the step of doing more social activities with them than you usually do. More on that below.

Meet some new people
Getting more out of your current relationships can go along way, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes you're at a point where you need to meet entirely new people. Not having easy access to potential new friends is a big barrier for many people in creating a social circle. I go into more detail here: Places And Ways To Meet New People.
Overall, I'd say the easiest things to do are:
Meet one or two cool people and then get to know all their friends. If you hang out with fifteen people, you shouldn't have to have met them all individually.
Having a specific interest you want to build your social circle around and then actively seeking out others who share it. This can be as simple as joining a team or club (which you'd want to do anyways, just to take part in your hobby).
Being in a situation where there are lots of your peers around and then getting to know some of them through your day-to-day interactions. Work and school are the two big ones.

Do your best to accept every invitation
If someone invites you to do something, then you should go. Why turn down a free chance to get out there with people?
If you're more of an shy or solitary person it's easy to mull over the invitation and rationalize that it won't be that fun and that you don't want to go. Ignore those thoughts and go anyways. You never can be sure how fun something will be until you show up and see how it is for yourself.
Sometimes you'll have to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your social life. You may get invited to a movie you don't particularly want to see, or someone might call you up on Friday evening as you're about to go to bed, asking if you want to go out. Whenever you have two or more people in the equation, you're going to have to compromise sometimes. Again, just being out there outweighs these minor annoyances.

Invite potential friends to do something with you
Ask the people you get along with to hang out. Give them a call, or ask them if you see them around in person. Invite them to go out to do something (See: Activities People Do When They Hang Around Each Other for some really basic thoughts on this topic).
This is the most important step in my experience. You can meet all the people you want, and they can think you're great, but if you don't take any actions to do something with them in the future, then you won't form many new relationships. People will stay as the guy you talk to in class, or the girl you chat to at work in the break room.
This is basic stuff, but lonlier people often hit a wall here. There may be someone they joke around with at work, or chat to in one of their classes, but they won't take the step of inviting them out and taking the relationship to the next level.

If you hit it off with someone get their contact information
If you meet someone cool don't assume that you'll run into them again. Get their phone number or maybe their email address. If you're shy this may take a small amount of nerve the first few times, but it's one of those things that ceases to seem like a big deal at all once you're used it. You can also get used to the odd rejection quite quickly. Also make sure people have your contact info in case they ever want to invite you along somewhere.

Have a basic grasp of how to make plans
Depending on what works for you, you may want to do something one-on-one with someone or go out in a larger group. If you know a bunch of people, plus your potential new friend, are going to do something anyways, you can also ask if you can come along.
Making plans can be tedious and unpredictable at times. Try your best to get used to it. It personally helped me to accept this wasn't a situation where I could perfectly control and arrange everything ahead of time. I had to come to peace with the uncertainty of trying to organize something with one or more other people.
If inviting people out and arranging plans all seems like a big hassle, it also probably feels that way for them at times. They shouldn't always have to step up and organize things for you. Do some of the lifting yourself at times.




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